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July 30, 2013
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"Mama, can you eat the sun?" eight-year-old Hunter said in between his sloppy chewing of his sugary, morning breakfast cereal.

His mother, a tired woman with heavy, dark circles under her eyes, sighed and gave a tired and sad smile.

"Of course not, Hunter. That's impossible. It's so far away, honey." she tried to reason.

"And it would be really hot, wouldn't it?" he spat out bits of half-chewed cereal.

"Yes. Something so far away has to be really hot to keep us warm."

Hunter nodded. It made perfect sense, but that didn't stop him from being curious to the sun's taste.

"I bet it'll taste like soup fresh off the stove when I don't blow it cold." he tried to explain as his mother cleared the kitchen table of their breakfast.

"I don't know, baby. I never tried to eat the sun. When you get home maybe we can bake some sun cookies and you can eat those." his mother yawned. "Grandma will help."

Hunter grinned. He was happy that his mother was finally back to normal. Days of crying and sleeping was never fun. And he didn't like constantly having to spend the night at grandma's. She always made him say bedtime prayers. It was like an everyday Christmas wish except he couldn't ask for toys or pets. Instead he just asked to go home. It took a lot of asking but eventually his prayer of wanting to have a happy family with his mom was granted.

"Mama said you can't eat the sun." Hunter said to his dad as he rode in the old rusted pickup that was missing windshield wipers and had a door that couldn't be opened from the outside.

"She's right. The sun is nothin' but fire. You'd get toasted up." his father responded, the smell of cigarette smoke on his breath wafted into Hunter's nostrils and made him cough and exhale loudly through his nose to stop the uncomfortable tingling.

"What would it taste like?" Hunter asked innocently. His father was a very smart man, he would know.

"Probably like the hottest pepper you can imagine. But no milk to make the heat go away."

Hunter nodded, staring up at the sky and wincing as the light blinded him. Hunter raised his hand to shield his eyes.

The sun was about the size of his thumb. The sun: the size of a pepper and just as hot as one...

"Nuh uh! The sun probably tastes like laser beams!" Hunter's friend Carlos shouted, holding his mouth open with his head thrown back to feel the heat on the inside of his mouth.

"Superman can eat the sun!" another boy whose name Hunter could never remember shouted.

"Nuh uh! It's too big and too hot!" Hunter and Carlos argued.

"Not for Superman!"

And when Hunter asked his teacher Mrs. Louis-Watts, it only incited a class lesson on the Solar System. She didn't help him either.

"The sun is omnipotent just like God. You don't want to eat God, do you? Why would you eat the sun?"

And Hunter did not try to argue with his grandmother on that one.

Once making it home, Hunter walked into he and his mother's tiny trailer to tell his mother about how it takes eight minutes for light to make it to earth and how it's stupid to think Superman can eat the sun and to ask why it's okay to eat the body of God's son but not God Himself.

He stepped over dirty laundry that was sorted and ready for the wash. And he let his backpack fall in the hall as he hurried to his mother's room.

Mrs. Louis-Watts said the sun was made up of millions of explosions happening at once. That is how the earth stays warm. Superman can survive explosions and God was in Heaven which was close to the sun. The blood on the walls resembled an explosion, millions of them like his mother had swallowed the sun whole and become it. She had done it just for him to tell him how it tasted. It probably tasted like steel, just like the barrel that was lodged in her mouth.

And outside, the clouds blew overhead and shrouded the earth in shade.
I wrote a prosetry piece titled the same thing and I was kind of in a writing slump so I decided I liked the title so much I wanted to write something else!

Enjoy.
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:iconsame-side:
Same-side Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013   Writer
:iconhouse-of-playwrights:
Prize for 5-Day Prompt-Play Contest

Sugary cereal, hot peppers, sun cookies, and laser beams are mixed together in this colorful masala of a story. And, like a good spice mix, there is something tasty at most every point of the plot. The juxtaposition of a child’s innocent question and an adult’s dark decision is quite successful, if not unexpected.

The overall concept is well-constructed. From conversation to conversation, Hunter seeks, and eventually finds, an answer to his question. Each voice is singularly unique and encapsulated in the tone and word choice of the dialogue (a child sounds like a child; a teacher, teacher; mother, mother).

I enjoyed, especially, the opening conversation between Hunter and his mother. Your fourth paragraph, “‘And it would be really hot, wouldn't it?’ he spat out bits of half-chewed cereal.”, really helps to capture the active and familiar mood of the scene, as well as blur the distinctions between eatingconversingloving.

In the last bit of the story, however, I ran into a bit of confusion.
And when Hunter asked his teacher Mrs. Louis-Watts, it only incited a class lesson on the Solar System. She didn't help him either.

"The sun is omnipotent just like God. You don't want to eat God, do you? Why would you eat the sun?"

And Hunter did not try to argue with his grandmother on that one.
Hunter’s chain of thought seems to drift from his teacher to his grandmother, and it was not clear to me if his grandmother was actually talking to him and answering his question, or if he was imagining having that conversation with his grandmother, or if he was (mis)remembering something his grandmother had said at an earlier time and was (mis)collaging it together in his mind.

When I first read it, I thought that his teacher was the one who said, “The sun is omnipotent just like God….” because it followed the expected pattern of the narrative (NarrationofScene1-DialoguewithinScene1-Narration2-Dialogue2…). This bit also made me half-think that Hunter’s teacher and his grandmother was the same person.

The very last line of the story – “ And outside, the clouds blew overhead and shrouded the earth in shade.” – I could live with or without. The sentence immediately preceding is pretty strong by itself. If there were some explicit mention of the sun in the last sentence, maybe that would be a bit over-the-top/heavy-handed, but it may be worth experimenting.

Good job, and I hope this helps you in your revision/future writing!
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013   General Artist
i miss you much kalli darling <3
and of course, congratulations on the DLD :huggle:
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That ending just punched me in the gut. I guess I assumed it wasn't going to be a happy ending, but...wow. You did a great job here. You always stayed in that child's perspective that was so necessary for this piece, with just hints here and there as to what his life and his mother's life is really like. Phenomenal. I can't say enough good things. :+favlove:
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. I am glad you thought I did a good job. I think this is so far my favorite story to write. I don't think I'll ever be able to write something like it. :star:


Thank you very, very much!
Reply
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well don't aim to write something like it - just keep creating, and I'll bet you come up with better and better. :)
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
so very well written.
you perfectly captured the personality of someone too young to understand. I love the innocent childish style of the character it really adds impact to the reality of the situation.
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!
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:iconnatural-nw:
Natural-NW Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013  Student General Artist
that is so cute :D
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:iconpen-and-mouse:
Pen-and-mouse Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013
You're just a wonderful writer, my dear. I've got not other words.
Reply
:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh! Thank you! :blush:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I have to say, on your works as a whole, I like how they are (unintentionally?) related. You have a habit of capturing the childish innocence and naivete of a protagonist unprepared for his role in the world.  The characters are superb. You gave them each a very unique personality in such a short piece of prose, which is a feat all of its own. There are many messages and themes which can be pulled. I really like how you chose to bring up god and omnipotence, especially in this line "and to ask why it's okay to eat the body of God's son but not God Himself." which transcends with a certain power and profundity that many who write from a child's perspective hope to achieve. My only criticism might be to adapt the beginning. For me, this piece is difficult to get into because "eating the sun" feels so fanciful and out of touch. I know it's supposed to reflect the dreaming nature of the narrator, but I think if you were able to make some earthly connection, some tangible reason he would consider eating the sun, it would make the beginning as completely enveloping as the rest of the piece.

Lovely work! :heart:
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconhowaboutnoplz:


jkjk

Thank you so much for the lovely compliment Maddie!! :la:

Yeah! I'm trying to practice working on writing children characters for my new story!
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:iconstory-of-a-mind:
Story-of-a-Mind Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A very strong story. Very well written.
I just got a little confused about this one sentence "...Hunter walked into him and his mother's tiny trailer..."
I wondered who that "him" was, into whom he walked, until I figured you probably meant "his and his mother's trailer" ;)
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the compliment

Whoops! You're right. It should be 'he', thanks for telling me!
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:iconzstew2:
zstew2 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
The ending just broke my heart T.T
Endings why you be so sad? :hug:
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
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:iconmaj0rmaremolester:
Maj0rMareMolester Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The lesson of the story: Don't eat the sun or bullets.

I liked the details and the concept. You wrote a good story with great skill ^^
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the lovely compliment!
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so heartbreaking, but the point of view really works. I just love it.
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the compliment! I appreciate it, and thanks for the favorite! :star:
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome! :D
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Student Writer
Oh my. That ending. This was just....I have no words.
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well...uhm...I'm glad it left you speechless? ^^;
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Student Writer
That's a good thing. :giggle:
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hehe! Then thanks!
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome! :heart:
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:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
well, fuck.
this was absolutely heartbreaking, unexpected, and wonderful. i love the child's perspective on this topic. most writers make it all metaphor-y and annoyingly dramatic, but this was very light-hearted and kind of scary at the same time? i'm not even sure what you've accomplished here, but it's really moving. amazing job!
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! 
Yeah, I was totally going a completely different route with this piece and I looked back and saw that this was what I had. And I loved the last line so much I was like "Well keep it!" I'm glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconvaleriecfrechmann:
ValerieCFrechmann Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is by far one of the most amazing stories I've read here on dA.
It's so well put together and perfect.  I'm stunned.
This definitely has my feels.

Great work. :) I'm excited to read other work of yours.
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow! Thank you for the beautiful compliment I appreciate it very much! :blush:
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:iconohio-writer:
ohio-writer Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Student Writer
Brevity at its finest; nice job!
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconx12-1992:
X12-1992 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
very good :)
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks
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:iconchipchinka:
Chipchinka Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
I didn't intend on reading, but I saw "newest deviations" and read the first line.  I was hooked.  
Yep.  Hooked.
I like the manner in which you capture the essence of childhood and the logic of it, all while keeping the mysterious adult world at bay...there's so much unstated in this story, and yet bits and pieces reveal itself, probably based more on the reader's expectations and experiences and so gaps are nicely filled; there's a poignant quality to it as well, a kind of wistful, bittersweet feeling.  I really enjoyed this.
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the compliment!

When I finished writing it I was satisfied, but as I typed it out I wasn't enjoying it that much, but I'm glad that you liked it. It definitely made a turn I wasn't expecting to take, but I hope it wasn't as bad as I was am imagining it! Your compliment makes me feel better. 
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:iconchipchinka:
Chipchinka Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
It was good.
I enjoyed it.  I like the length, because it keeps the whole tale nicely concise.  I like the complexity and the brief quality the overall piece has, which--of course--really leads up (nicely) to the ending sentence.  Perfect.  It's such a deceptive story too.  It seems simple, but there is some nicely complex emotion under the surface and, as I pointed out, a nicely untold story in between the lines.
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